Saturday, December 29, 2012

In the trenches...

In the past 5 weeks I have been through a abdominoplasty surgery to remove the excess skin from my stomach, a mastoplexy and augmentation mammaplasty done to reconstruct my breasts, large amounts of X-rays and abdominal CT scans (where you have to drink the contrast), emergency bowel obstruction resection surgery, large amounts of antibiotics to fight an infection from the bowel obstruction surgery, a tube that went up my nose and down my stomach to drain my intestines, 2 infected wounds on my incisions, a 13 day hospital stay away from my 2 sweet babies and husband, sponge baths, a few dark and depressing days, and a lot of pain.  I got to come home on November 29th and that is when my healing began. I am not writing this post for a pity party, but I am writing this post so that you know where some of my emotions that I want to express come from.

During my hospital visit I would ask the doctor when he thought I could go home.  His answer after a couple of times was, "Quit asking me that- no time soon."  That crushed me.  My husband was at home taking care of our kids, doing all the household duties, and working at his job.  It was heartbreaking to me to not be able to be there for my family and do what I am supposed to do.  It was very lonely and boring to be in that hospital bed.  I went through different stages of grief about my situation while I was in the hospital, but I cried a lot.  There was a tech that worked at nights and he would make me laugh so hard and cheer me up, I looked forward to seeing him.  At one point during my hospital stay, towards the end, they put a drain in my pelvis to drain fluid from my abdomen that was infected. It was so annoying to carry the whole arsenal that was attached to me to the restroom...  I had an IV pole with tons of bags hanging from it, my new drain, and 2 little drains from the 1st surgery... along with my gown that was spread wide open so that I could show everyone my business.  Going to the bathroom was a chore.  I am getting off subject...  the drain... The fluid that came from this drain went into this bag and the bag, of course, was clipped onto me and the fluid smelled AWFUL... worse than rotten eggs- and it was coming from inside my body!
Finally, one day the doctor came in and asked me if I wanted to go home.  I looked at him with disbelief like he was making a sick joke.  He repeated his question and I answered with attitude, "Well, Yeah."
He went on to tell me that he would send me home under the care of a home-care nurse, a PICC line, and IV antibiotics.  He also went on to tell me why he had kept me in the hospital for so long and told me how much my surgery and complications with the infection scared him.  I think that's pretty  bold for a great doctor to admit feelings like that.
So... I got to come home! It felt like getting released from prison.  Except, I don't know what that is like but I am sure it is similar.  I was highly emotional when I came home.  Happy to be alive, happy to hug my kids, happy to see my house...  through all this came a lot of feelings of being thankful.  My family relationships changed drastically for the better.  It is amazing how people react when death knocks on the door.

I am able to look at my kids and my family and be thankful for them and that I am still alive.  But I have not been able to go to God and thank Him personally for this yet.  You may be asking "WHY?!?!?" in utter shock like I did.  I went to counseling about this because it was making me have a lot of guilt inside and making me even more emotional.  The counselor pointed out that I have been through SO much physically and emotionally already.  Because I have such an intense relationship with God, that conversation that I have with Him will be intense as well and I am just emotionally not ready for it yet.  It doesn't mean that God is not there.  It doesn't mean that I do not love God with all my heart.  My brain is still processing the last 5-6 weeks and it is okay to take my time processing these things one by one.  What the counselor said made sense and I accepted it to ease my feelings about this.  I am not quite ready to have that deep conversation with God, but I know that I am starting to emotionally prepare for it. 

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